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The Journey and my realisation that nothing will change until I change me....



I wanted to share with you my journey, my story. It will be raw, personal but I hope that it will assist you and help you so that you don't have to waste as much time as I did.


I am now 49 years old; I have served my country for 26 years in the Air Force serving all over the world. I have been married and divorced twice and I have a beautiful 20-year-old daughter who is currently in University in London.


My journey to my "centered self" started approximately 5 years ago, I had left the Air Force and emigrated to Australia.


Life was good, but something was missing and I just couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't feel whole or complete. A lot of things had happened in my life and I had done a lot of things that I was not proud of, there was regret and a lot of unresourceful comparison going on within me.


This discord started to become a rumble and gradually increased until it became a bone shaking earth quake.


I started to recognise by Cumulative PTSD was returning, I was becoming hyper vigilant, fearful, angry and inwardly focused.


I had experienced this 15 years before and it had led me down a very dark path where I had "danced" with trains a couple of times, almost dancing too long, if you understand what I am trying to say in a roundabout way (it is still raw inside for me) and I really did not want to go there again!


I remember talking to a friend about how I was feeling and how on the surface people thought everything was cool and groovy, but internally I was not coping. I remember describing how I felt a fraud and a fake. I felt I was having to wear a mask in front of others....even more, I was sometimes wearing multiple masks. This was exhausting and taking a lot of effort.


He mentioned to me about the 3 Universal Fears, and explained what they were. As soon as he explained the principle behind the Universal Fears I was able to reflect and see how they had been impacting me. Even more than this, how I had been choosing to allow them to impact me.


This was a lightbulb moment for me....I had been choosing this, I had been choosing to create this fear and that perspective...


What else had I been choosing? and if it was my choice, I could change that choice....couldn't I?


I had been studying and interested in Human Behaviour for many years before this moment, but I had never really thought about how it applied to me...


I mean after all, I am Ok, it is all the other lunatics in the asylum of life....It can't possibly be me....can it?


Oh yeah, it hit me like a steam train.....boom!


This moment was day 1 of my journey....


I started to become curious about everything and one of the first things I started to dig into was why I was feeling the way I was, what was I choosing to believe and feel that was creating this current reality for me.


As I leant into this even more, I explored that thought of "what was I choosing to believe".


As I dug deep into my thinking, I had a realisation that since leaving the RAF where I had clear Values & Beliefs, I currently was very unclear on my Values & Beliefs.


Again, with more curiosity than a crazy scientist, I wondered why I had not brought my Values & Beliefs with me from the RAF and it dawned on me that I was fearful of being seen as a fake or a fraud, of not being enough to have come up with my own Values & Beliefs, rather than using the RAF's.


I had been thinking I would have been seen as weak or too stupid to make my own Values & Beliefs.


So, I set about getting clear on what I did Value in Life and what Beliefs I had to support those Values. I did lots of studying and grew my understanding around Values & Beliefs and realised that when we are clear on our core Values & Beliefs, decisions are easily made, that there is clarity in our thinking and life becomes easier.


After doing this part of "Inner Work" life started to improve. I thought, wow, who would have thought that a little curiosity and not settling for mediocrity would create such a difference.


Then I got thinking, if that made such a difference, what else can I do?


I started to wonder if there was anything I could do about the guilt, regret, remorse and disgust of some of my behaviours from the past. Particularly around my two failed marriages.


I recognised that I had hurt a lot of people when these relationships had broken down and that was somethi